Whipped Cream
by Trace2
Summary: What happens when Sirius and Remus go out for for whipped cream. Warning: Slashy, stupid, pointless fun


Ok, I've added a bit to the end and now it's stupider, sillier, and slashier. This is what happens when I'm bored and easily amused. I hope you like it, but if not, just call me tragically misunderstood. 

Disclaimer: No amount of disclaiming is going to make me innocent of this one. Mea culpa!

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It started simply as a quest for whipped cream…

[12 GRIMMAULD PLACE: Sirius Black and Remus Lupin are making ice cream sundaes]

"We can't eat ice cream without whipped cream! That's just plain evil!" Sirius complained petulantly.

"Mmm, whipped cream," Remus said with a smile. 

"Yeah, we don't have any, Remus." 

"Then I won't get the chance to lick it off your half-naked body," Remus whined.

Sirius shuddered in horror. "Ugh! I'm way too traumatized and homophobic for that. It would threaten my manhood, and after what happened in prison between me and the dementors, I don't need any more manhood-threatening experiences." 

Remus shrugged. "Geez, I was only kidding," he muttered insincerely. 

"Since neither of us passed the ministry's Make-Whipped-Cream-Pour-From-the-End-of-Your-Wand Test, I guess we'll have to go to the store to get some."

[SCENE CUTS TO THE FRONT OF A GROCERY STORE NAMED "DarkMart - Just Slither In!"]

Sirius and Remus entered the store, and a bell jingled to signal their entrance. The pale, thin shopkeeper looked up from behind the cash register and gave them a sour look. "Whatever you're looking for, we don't have it," he said and pointed to a sign on the wall that read, "No snake. No shoes. No service."

"Whipped cream?" Sirius asked, ignoring the sign.

"We just ran out; two blokes bought the lot 20 minutes ago. So sorry," the shopkeeper replied, not looking sorry at all.

"Bought the lot?" Remus repeated, frowning. "No whipped cream?"

"Yeah," said the shopkeeper. "I think it mighta been Peter Pettigrew and Lord Voldemort."

"Why would you think that?" Sirius asked.

The shopkeeper shrugged. "Well, the short mousy bloke was wearing a T-shirt that said, "My Dark Master Went to Godric's Hollow to Kill the Potters, and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt."

Remus gasped. "That was definitely Peter!"

"And the other one?" Sirius demanded.

"He wore a button that said, "Kneel down before me, Mudblood, For I am Lord Voldemort!"

"Bloody hell," Sirius muttered. "They bought up all the whipped cream. We know Voldemort is looking for a weapon; this must be part of a sinister plot! What are we going to do, Remus? We have to track them down and put a stop to this!"

"Mmmm, whipped cream," Remus said with his eyes closed.

"They went through that door, if you really want to know," the shopkeeper said, pointing to a door labeled, "Enter at your own risk: slashy plot device ahead."

"Thanks," said Sirius, and he and Remus charged through the door and were both promptly confronted by a slashy plot device.

There was Peter, his naked body covered in whipped cream. Voldemort hovered above him, lapping noisily at the white stuff. Nagini slithered around the pair, serving as a completely unnecessary phallic symbol.

"Ugh!" Sirius shouted and covered his eyes with his hands. "I've gone blind! I'm traumatized for life! This is worse than Azkaban!"

"Mmm, whipped cream," Remus said.

"Oh get off it, Sirius," Peter said. "I can't believe you never guessed. Why do you think I never had any girlfriends and almost wet myself from excitement every time James played with his Snitch?" Peter giggled like a girl at that. "I tried to fit in, but you marauders were too homophobic for me, so I found myself a new protector."

"Gack!" This thought was clearly too much for Sirius, his mind couldn't take it in. "But, but--he's evil!"

"Not really," said Peter, "he's just looking for a few good men. All that Dark Arts, wants to rule the world crap is an elaborate right-wing conspiracy manufactured by gay-bashers in the Ministry of Magic. Voldy just wants to be loved."

"More whipped cream," Voldemort whispered through a mouthful of the sweet, white stuff, which was soft-serving as a symbol for…[oh I'm sure you get it.]

"Mmm, whipped cream," said Remus, and he knelt down to do Voldemort's bidding. He began to slather more whipped cream on Peter's thin, pale body.

"I always knew you were one of us, Moony," cooed Peter.

"I refuse to admit that I'm strangely turned on by this," Sirius said, "and now I'm never going to be able to eat whipped cream again. It will forever stand as a symbol of my repressed homosexual tendencies. I think I'll go kill myself." Sirius then tried to Avada Kedavra himself but failed, since it was just a pathetic, insincere cry for help, and he was thinking about whipped cream the entire time.

"Mmm, whipped cream," Remus said happily.


End file.
